What wounds are you carrying? What gifts do they hold?
Many of us carry the wounds of hurt, betrayal, resentment, anger and disappointment within us. However big or small these scars may be, it is vital for us to find forgiveness and acceptance with what we have been through in order to truly heal and move forward with our lives.
Sometimes the hurt, betrayal, resentment and disappointment are like massive roadblocks that we can't move past, while other times we have buried the pain so deeply that we think it no longer impacts us until we find it still playing out in our lives.
However we are affected, even if the injuries are minor and easy to brush away at the time, these wounds still carry valuable clues for us in the journey of deeper connection with ourselves and our lives.
Finding Forgiveness is a way of making peace with ourselves and laying to rest pain from the past which has been holding us back in our lives. Forgiveness and its companion, Acceptance, offer us opportunities to transform our pain into liberation. By understanding and healing our part in the experience, we can open to deeper levels of growth and empowerment.
Self-defence mechanisms
This is easier said than done for most of us, especially if the wounds in question have left deep scars and a plethora of self-defence mechanisms as a result.
Self-defence mechanisms come in many guises, often expressed as guarded, defensive, cynical, manipulative and untrusting behaviours. These mechanisms can be conscious or unconscious attempts to control and influence our relationships and environments, giving us a false sense of power and safety in an otherwise vulnerable and unknown space.
We create walls around ourselves for protection, but ultimately they harbour destruction by keeping us disconnected and closed off from not only ourselves, but also the possibility of a deep sense of safety and connection within our lives. The act of forgiveness is a letting go of the grievances or judgements that we hold against ourselves or others.
What forgiveness isn’t
“Forgiveness is not done to make amends with someone, it is done for your benefit”
Finding the courage to dive into the wounds of the past in order to acknowledge and reconcile what has happened is not done to make amends with the person or situation which has caused the pain. Forgiveness is done for your benefit.
Forgiveness isn’t pardoning or excusing the other person's actions, and it isn’t telling them that they’re forgiven.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that everything is OK now, or that you have no further feelings to process and nothing further to work out in the relationship.
Forgiveness isn’t forgetting the incident ever happened. And it doesn’t mean you have to continue to include the person who hurt you in your life.
Are you ready to Forgive?
By forgiving, we are accepting the reality of what has happened and finding a way to live in resolution with it. It is important to respect where we are in this process; forcing ourselves to forgive before we are ready can do more harm than good.
Forgiveness requires a willingness to forgive. Sometimes the hurt went too deep or was too abusive. Perhaps the person showed no remorse or we are still too angry. There are many reasons why we may not yet feel ready or willing to let go of the pain which has come to define us in some way. Often this is because we may not yet have fully acknowledged what has happened to us.
“There are many reasons why we may not yet feel ready to let go of the pain which has come to define us.”
How to Forgive
When we are ready to let go and face our pain, we need to witness and express what we have experienced and how we have been affected in a safe way.
Our self-defence mechanisms also deserve acknowledgement and respect; we need to remember that we have come from some kind of compromised space which necessitated these behaviours, and that they have been actively keeping us ‘safe’.
Being gentle and compassionate with ourselves, and not beating ourselves up about our self-defense mechanisms is an integral part of the forgiveness process.
The process of Forgiveness allows us to evolve through our healing. We become more objective about how we have been conducting our lives, what is working for our highest benefit, and what is not.
The four stages of Forgiveness
1: Acknowledgement
Allow yourself to fully acknowledge the experience you have been through.
2: Lessons & growth
Explore the lessons and growth this experience has brought you. What behaviour patterns have you developed as a result? What are you are holding on to which no longer serves you?
3: Consider the other
Understanding the other person's motives ultimately enables compassion and gentleness for all involved, even though it may take some time.
4: Begin with yourself
Forgiveness is a gradual process; as you learn to express, accept and forgive what has happened to you, you can ultimately extend that grace to others.
Forgiveness puts a seal of resolution on the experience. We will still remember what happened to us, but we are no longer bound by it. Having worked through our feelings, and learned lessons in setting boundaries and getting our needs met, we become better able to take care of ourselves in a more healthy, balanced and connected way.
“The process of finding Forgiveness is a powerful way to honour yourself and affirm your choice for a peaceful and happy life.”
Want to learn more?
My Finding Forgiveness course runs over 3 sessions, offering you tools to help access, understand and release your past with forgiveness and acceptance.
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